Somethings we don't talk about
by ymasp
Summary: AU: Sam followed John's orders and killed him, killing the Yellow eyed Demon also. Both brothers are at breaking point with each other, what happens when an argument drives Sam to desperate measures?
1. Chapter 1

It had been two days since they had gotten to Bobby's, two days since Sam shot his and Dean's father; figuratively. Sam liked to think that deep down Dean knew that Sam wasn't to blame although he never even looked at Sam after that. It was nice to have that small ounce of hope, even if deep down yourself you know it isn't true. Sam hadn't eaten since the day it happened, nor had he slept a wink. Every time he even closed his eyes he was haunted with the memories and he couldn't keep food down even to save his life.

_"Sammy! It's still alive. It's inside me, I can feel it. You shoot me. You shoot me! You shoot me in the heart, son!"_

_"Sam, don't you do it! Don't you do it!"_

Fuck, that memory hurts more than any wound could ever come close to. Dean doesn't even speak to Sam, he spends most of his time getting out of his mind drunk or talking to Bobby about God knows what. This is what Dean does, he bottles up a collection of anger, sadness, guilt, more anger and did I mention; more anger. He'll bottle it up, acting like nothing's changed until he finally explodes and God help anyone who is around to feel the full force of it. This time without a doubt the receiver of his half way to exploding temper will be Sam. Bobby's the only one who he has left, really. I mean, was Dean and Sam's companionship ever two-sided? the way things are going I really don't know.

Sam looked in the mirror and bit his lip anxiously, it was obvious now that John was literally everything to Dean. His role model, his best friend and most of all his father. But even though Sam now knew that he was always second man in line not only to his father but to Dean also; his big brother was his world, and he's never going to let that go. No matter how his brother feels about him.

Sam had taken away Dean's everything, how can he possibly think he deserves to be forgiven after that? There's always a chance though...right? Sam had put a gun to his own fucking fathers heart and pulled the trigger, his own father. What kind of heartless monster was he? There must have been another way, a loophole; there's always a loophole. Jesus, he was damn sure going to hell for this.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dean was sat on his baby chugging down a bottle of whisky like it was his life preserver. He was so focused on staring aimlessly out to the empty fields that he didn't hear Bobby walk up behind him and lean on the Impala roof giving him a disapproving stare and shaking his head sadly.

"Boy, what are you doin' sitting out here chuggin' that like it's going out of fashion?" Bobby grumbled whilst frowning at the bottle of whisky that was almost all gone. That damn idiot was going to drink himself to death before the end of the week if he kept this up. Dean merely shrugged his shoulders before taking another long swig of the bitter liquid, face scrunching up after the bottle left his lips. "W'else am...I s'posed to do?" He slurred, swaying slightly on the bonnet of the car.

"Not drink yourself into oblivion every night you God damn idjit!" - "Look, I know you're hurtin' an awful lot from your daddy but you gotta remember about Sam here, boy."

Dean gave a cruel laugh and took a small sip of the shiny brown drink. "Sam, Sam, Sam. It's all about fucking Sam isn't it?" He spat with pure hate in his voice "If it wasn't for him Dad would still be up and kickin', Hell, so would Mom!" He continued before a hard smack to the back of his head interrupted his angry words.

"You selfish son of a bitch! How can you say that about your own brother? He was six months old for God sake, Dean!" - "What was he supposed to do?! Get up from his crib and exorcise the freaking thing?!" Bobby yelled, walking around the car to face Dean.

"You know what? Fuck you, Bobby! If it wasn't for Sam mom wouldn't have been in that room! We'd of never had to find out about these black eyed son of a bitches and we'd of had a normal happy God for saken life!" Dean screamed, throwing the bottle of whiskey that was still a quarter full onto the rocky driveway and turning around to face the front door.

Little did both men know that Sam had been stood in the doorway with tears threatening to spill over.

Bobby tilted his head and sighed sadly when caught the eye of the youngest Winchester; "Sam..." He started but was quickly cut of when Dean started rambling again.

"Hah! Talk of the fucking devil, huh? Here he is, Mr. I'm-all-Innocent." Dean mocked, faking a baby voice on the last part and punctuating every word with a step closer to Sam. It only made the words sting worse for Sam. "Dean...W-what?" Sam stuttered and Dean gave a bitter laugh.

"Give me your views on the night Sam." - "Do you need reminding of the night? The night you killed Dad out of some sick moody teenager shit you've got going on? Well newsflash, Sam! You're not a fucking kid anymore and you killed my father." Dean screamed, only a few feet away from Sam at this point. Sam let his mouth fall agape and stood there motionless before finally speaking up.

"It was inside of him, Dean! He begged me to do it!" Sam half shouted, his voice cracking slightly towards the end. He knew he was close to losing his tough guy mask. He could vaguely see Bobby with his mouth slightly open in surprise behind Dean.

"Shut the fuck up, Sam." Dean hissed, Sam jolted slightly at the amount of venom that his older brothers voice held. "You should have stood there and let it kill you because you know what? I would have preferred it to be you than him. I would have preferred to see my brother _die_ than see my brother kill my dad." He spat with anger before giving Sam a hard shove aside and walking into the house. Sam felt moisture begin to settle in his eyes and he tried his hardest to keep the emotionless mask on.

"He's drunk, Sam. He didn't mean it. Just get some sleep, i'll have a chat with him." Bobby gave Sam a loving pat on the shoulder before walking in the Same direction Dean did, he could have sworn he heard him mutter something along the lines of; 'You boys'll put me in an early grave' Sam completely gave in to the rush of tears that were making their way down his tanned cheeks and sobbed helplessly into his hand for a few seconds before shutting the door and quietly making his way back up to the bedroom for another restless night.

It was approximately 2:39am according to the glowing red digital clock that was near his bedside when presumably Dean came clambering up the stairs, making no effort to be quiet in his drunken haze.

* * *

Sam had officially been awake for over 72 hours and he hadn't eaten a thing. He was Sad, hungry, exhausted and most of all cripplingly guilty. He had killed his father. At least Dean got some sleep from the amount of liquor he drinks.

Sam slugged himself downstairs the best he could, he was so tired he felt sick. Have you ever had that? Bobby and Dean were sat at the kitchen table, Bobby reading the newspaper and Dean staring into space; probably painfully hungover. Sam wearily walked into the kitchen debating whether to sit down or not.

"Mornin' Sam, want some breakfast?" Bobby kindly smiled, it wasn't very often you got one of them smiles. Sam returned the smile and sighed when Dean didn't even acknowledge his presence in the room.

"Nah, i'm good." Sam declined with sad smile. Bobby gave Sam a pitiful look before returning to his newspaper as Sam walked out of the kitchen swaying a little. He knew Sam wasn't eating, or sleeping for that matter but he couldn't really do anything. How do you suppose you force a 6'4 man to eat when he don't want to, huh?

"Dean.." Bobby sighed, putting his newspaper on the table and turning to face the older Winchester.

"Leave it." Dean growled and walked swiftly out of the kitchen through the back door. Sam looked like he'd been dragged through Hell...backwards. They both did for that matter

Bobby was left alone in the kitchen, met with the silence of the room. It would have been peaceful if his brain wasn't doing back flips about them God damn boys.

* * *

Dean returned a few hours later to find Sam sat at the kitchen table reading into some book, Dean snorted at the sight. How can he just fucking carry on like that?

He stormed into the kitchen; not even glancing at his younger brother and opened the beer cabinet to grab the final bottle of vodka that was in there. He'd have to restock soon. He turned around to meet a pair of hazel eyes staring in an almost frightened manor at him. "Dean...don't you think you should lay off the alcohol for a while?" Sam questioned in a quiet voice.

Dean actually full out burst into hysterical laughter at this before suddenly grabbing Sam by his collar and all but dragged him off the chair he was sat at and pinned him to the wall.

"Don't you _ever_ tell me what the fuck I can and cannot do, okay?" He hissed at his brother, his face a mere few inches away; Sam could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was drunk already, it was barely even six.

Something inside of Sam must have snapped at this as he shoved Dean back as hard as he could, sending him almost flying into the kitchen table. He let out an animalistic growl and walked confidently up to his brother. "Or what? Dean. Are you going to fucking _kill me?_ If that's your plan then go ahead! I'm sure as Hell not going to stop you!" Sam taunted.

"Just leave me the fuck alone, Sam!" - Dean started before quickly changing his mind and pulling his fist back and smashing it into Sam's jaw. So hard that you could hear the crunch of bones colliding as it made contact. Sam immediately dropped to the floor and cradled his injured jaw. Dean turned his back to Sam, picked up his drink and swiftly left but not before turning around and adding-

"Drunk actions are sober intentions, Sam."


	2. Chapter 2

Sam sighed and rubbed his temple, his jaw wasn't broken but it hurt like hell. He should have known Dean didn't want him around right now, he couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him. Sam would even admit that he had every right to hate him, and hit him all he wants because it's completely his own fault.

The fallen wooden log that Sam was sat uncomfortable to say the least but he was alone, and that was more important. Sam let his head drop to into both of his hands and let the tears flow, it's not like anyone would come looking for him out here; not that they'd look anyway.

Dean's word were so true but they felt like a knife, he really would have had the perfect life if his pain in the ass little brother was never even born. Mom and Dad would still be alive, so would Jess and many other people. His words kept spiralling around his mind quite like the way you would twist and turn down a slide that spirals around. The slides that you often get friction burn off but the pain is worth it.

_"If it wasn't for Sam mom wouldn't have been in that room! We'd of never had to find out about these black eyed son of a bitches and we'd of had a normal happy God for saken life!"_

_"You should have stood there and let it kill you because you know what? I would have preferred it to be you than him."_

Sam let out a quiet sob, this unleashed the dam of building others and he began openly sobbing into his hands.

Sam Winchester was a tough cookie to crumble but he had officially broken. He was torn out of his wave of sobs when he felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder, he hoped it was Dean but deep down he knew that them chances were a million to one.

He turned around to meet the gaze of Bobby, who had a sad frown on his face.

"Here you are, boy." - "Been lookin' all round for your sorry ass." He joked, Sam faked a chuckle and tried to hid the fact that he'd been crying like a three year old leaving their mom for the first time at school.

"Dean don't mean nothin', he's just hurtin' at the moment; that's all." Bobby smiled sadly at Sam, he wished people would stop doing that. "What happened to your face?" He raised an eyebrow and ghosted a finger over the large black and blue bruises that scattered Sam's jawline. Sam mentally thanked Bobby for not commenting on the crying, he was a good buddy.

Sam furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Bobby blankly before muttering out a "Huh?" Bobby rolled his eyes and took a seat on the log next to Sam.

"You look like you did three rounds with freaking sledgehammer, you idjit." He mocked jokingly, Sam smiled before turning his gaze to a leaf that was floating in the air. The two hunters sat in silence for a few minutes, Bobby didn't need to press further into the question. It didn't exactly take a genius to work out how he got slugged in the jaw.

"You need to start lookin' after yourself, boy." - "I may be old but I ain't blind to the fact that you ain't eatin' or sleepin'." Bobby scolded. In a way, it was nice to have someone talk to him like he wasn't a complete monster.

"I'm fine, Bobby." Sam lied, he wasn't fine. Not at all. It didn't take a genius to work that one out either.

"Don't you lie to me, boy. Anyone with a lick of sense can tell that you ain't alright." - "Maybe that's why your idjit of a brother can't tell." He lightly nudged Sam's arm affectionately. Sam smiled at the witty comment and turned his attention back to the drifting leaf.

"Come on, let's get you inside. You must be freezing your ass off our here." Bobby gently coaxed. Sam sighed and rose to his feet, he towered over Bobby so it was easier to avoid eye contact with him. They slowly made there way back to Bobby's from the Woods that Sam had only recently discovered. It was like his own piece of heaven. And honestly, that's about as close to heaven that he would ever get.

* * *

Upon walking up Bobby's dusty driveway he saw a sight he never thought he'd see; Dean was completely smashing up the Impala with a sledgehammer. Not just hitting it, he was full on slugging the thing at it, leaving giant crack marks in the decor of the car in its wake. But the look on Dean's face was the worst of it, his face held pure rage.

"Dean! what are you doing you God damn idiot!" Bobby shouted, jogging up to the older Winchester. Sam remained frozen on the spot, mentally debating with himself whether he should follow Bobby or not. I mean, he figured that Dean was blaming him for everything. That wasn't exactly hard. He didn't really fancy getting his faced smashed up a little more, but he probably deserved it so he began to take a few hasty steps towards his brother.

Dean angrily threw the sledgehammer onto the floor and caught the eye of Sam, for a second Sam could have sworn he saw a flicker of emotion cross his brothers features. But his hopes were shot down when Dean looked his brother dead in the eye and just kept staring, waiting for him to make a move.

"Dean, I think we need to-" Sam began before being interrupted by Dean taking a few large steps towards him and scoffing under his breath.

"Talk? About what?" Dean confronted, confidently crossing his arms over his chest.

"About you! The way you've been acting lately!" - "The way you've been drinking yourself stupid every night and not giving a damn about anything!" Sam snapped at his brother, Dean wasn't the only one who could give someone a piece of his mind. He could dish it out just as much as Dean could. Granted, he was in no position to but he just lost it.

Sam's out burst sent Dean off seeing red, his hands were clenched in fists of rage and he was all but shaking through pure anger.

"By lately you mean when you killed Dad?" Dean screamed at the top of his lungs, Sam merely flinched at this. Sam wasn't scared of many things and his big brother defiantly wasn't one of them. However, he was scared of losing Dean. A possibility that is getting more and more likely as the days go by.

"I wouldn't have done it if he wasn't poss-" He started before being interrupted again, that was getting annoying; quick.

"Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit, Sam." - "You saw the opportunity to kill him and you took it, without hesitation." He hissed at his brother, taking another impossible step closer. Sam felt tears begin to well in his eyes but he quickly put them to the back of his mind. He had to keep up his tough guy act, for his own sake. He knew this speech was coming, but he didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did.

"He would have killed us all, Dean! Dad included!" - "I honestly couldn't give a rats ass if he killed_ me_, but I couldn't let him kill you. I just couldn't do it." Sam shouted, but his voice cracked and a few stray tears floated down his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to care.

"You should have let him kill us then! Honestly Sam I thought you would have fucking figured that out." He growled in a dangerously low tone. He was so angry it was starting to scare Sam.

"Yeah, I forgot about this." - "The tough Dean Winchester way of dealing with things, huh? You take it out on the people you love, right?" Sam spluttered, tears running down his cheeks, dripping of the underside of his chin.

"Love, you? That's fucking funny." - "How could I love the person that killed _both_ my parents?" He said spitefully, a bitter smile lingered on his lips. Bobby finally decided to step in, fucking finally.

"You arrogant little shit!" Bobby shouted at Dean, he'd seen Bobby angry before but this was a whole new level. "What is it going to take to drill it into your thick skull that it wasn't Sam's fault? None of it!" He was face to face with Dean now.

"How can you blame him for your mother's death you God damn idiot!" - "When you've sorted your sorry ass out you're going to have some serious groveling to do." He concluded before turning to look in the direction of Sam only to find an empty space. _Where had that stupid kid gone now? _

* * *

Sam had left sometime after Bobby started laying into Dean, he was hysterically sobbing now and he'd taken the back entrance to buy himself some time.

A few years ago he remembered his Dad saying something about a certain type of Demon, Crossroad Demons. Apparently they make deals, but making a deal has chilling consequences once the deal is up.

He was pretty sure this was his last chance to get his brother back. Well, technically if he succeeds he won't be around to get his brother back. But Dean will be happy, and that's more important.

If this was his last chance he damn well wasn't going to turn it down so he got two pieces of paper and started writing.

**Reviews would be nice x**


	3. Chapter 3

Sam and Dean had a pact to avoid 'Chick flick' moments at all costs, therefore Sam tried to keep it as vague and less soppy as he could. But you can only keep it like that to a certain extent when you're writing your own fucking goodbye letter.

Sam trudged downstairs in a zombie like way, he hadn't slept in almost four days now and he hadn't eaten for more than he could keep count. Not that that really mattered a great deal now though, odds are he'll be taking the yellow brick road down to Hell, hands joined with The Devil before the day's over. He saw Bobby and Dean sat in silence in the kitchen; tension levels raised to the max. He sadly bit his lip and slowly made his way into the kitchen, holding the box he had made behind his back. Bobby looked up at Sam and smiled but as expected, Dean didn't even bat an eyelash.

"Uh, I'm goin' out for a bit." Sam started but paused, how the Hell do you say goodbye without them knowing you're saying goodbye? As if waiting for him to continue, Bobby nodded and continued to look at him questionably. Sam held his gaze for a while before sighing and readjusting his black hoodie that he usually wore to train in.

"Thanks for everything, Bobby." He said sincerely, hoping Bobby didn't get suspicious. He wouldn't understand, Sam wasn't suicidal; not at all. But he loves his brother more than life itself and if the lack of his own existence was what it took to make his brother happy then so be it. To his surprise he found Dean looking at him equally as questionably as Bobby was. Sam felt tears begin to prick at the back of his eyes as he and his brother held eye contact for the first time since that night. Sam didn't trust his voice at the moment so when Bobby's gaze strayed he mouthed the words '_I'm sorry' _to Dean and smiled sadly before turning and walking out of the kitchen; knowing that that was the last time he would ever see his big brother. A single tear slid down his face as he took one last look at the house that held so many childhood memories.

Neither Hunter questioned Sam going out.

* * *

Two hours later...

"Something's off with that boy." Bobby stated, he had already laid into Dean several times about how he needed to buck his ideas up.

"I know." Dean agreed, Bobby looked at him questionably and raised his eyebrows at him.

"Oh so now you decide to snap out of your self absorbed trance, huh?" He mocked with a slight edge of anger in his tone. Dean glared but immediately dropped it when he received a scolding look off his adoptive father. Dean coughed awkwardly and shifted in his chair as he thought through the events of the past few days. The rage, guilt, regret. Then her remembered something through his blur of drunken memories.

"If it wasn't for _Sam_ mom wouldn't have been in that room! We'd of never had to find out about these black eyed son of a bitches and we'd of had a normal happy God for saken life!"

Shit.

Dean sighed heavily, drawing Bobby's attention towards him "Bobby, man. I'm sorry for that shit I said about Sam, I was wrong to say it." He confessed, a look of shame on his face. He was still damn angry though.

"Why're you apologizing to _me_?" - "As I said before you're gonna have to grovel to that kid." He raised his eyebrows at the younger Winchester.

"Well he isn't exactly here." Dean smirked, Bobby rolled his eyes and threw a beer from the fridge to Dean.

"Don't you get cocky with me, boy." - "Go upstairs and check if he took his cellphone, if he has then call him, idiot." Bobby joked, Dean grinned and made his way up to Sam's bedroom. The bedroom that they would have shared if he hadn't of been such a jackass to him. He strolled into Sam's bedroom to find an envelope placed neatly on Sam's pillow. Dean raised an eyebrow and slowly walked over to the envelope to get a better look - behind the first envelope there was another, sloppily wrote on the front of each one was his and Bobby's names. That handwriting belonged to only one person. Sam.

Dean wearily opened the one that had the name 'Dean' written in the center in dark blue ink.

_"Hey, Dean..._

_I know i'm probably the last person on earth you want to waste your time on, and you probably threw this letter away as soon as you recognized the handwriting. But if for some reason you're reading this then thanks...I guess..._

_You hate me, I know and you have every right to. Jesus, even I hate me so I can't really blame you. I also don't blame you for the things you said, they were all true no matter how pissed or angry you were._

_Before you start thinking I'm suicidal or something, know now that I'm not. I love you more than life in general, and if me ceasing to exist is what it takes to make you happy then I'll gladly take a little trip to Hell without hesitation. _

_I don't know how long it'll take either you or Bobby to notice I've been gone for a while, and I don't know how soon you're going to read this letter. But if the odds work out in my favor I'll of already made that deal with the Demon to exchange my soul for Dad's. _

_I was angry as fuck at you for saying that shit about mom but after thinking about it, you were right. I can't get mom back, I doubt they'd trade my shallow soul for two in return but i'll try. _

_I'm trying my hardest to make this as less depressing as possible but it's kinda hard. _

_Anyway, I guess this is it, huh? This is it for me then. Just look after yourself, man. Even you know deep down that my bitter excuse for a life worthy of living was coming to a close._

_Not trying to be sappy but I love you, Dean. More than you will ever know. _

_I hope that one day you can find happiness, you deserve it._

_It'll all be alright, Dean. _

_I promise. _

_-Sam. "_

Dean didn't even notice he was crying until he saw wet droplets appear on the paper, he dropped the paper to the floor and slammed his fist into the fall behind him. "Sammy you fucking idiot!" He screamed and stormed downstairs to where Bobby was sat calmly on the sofa.

"What're you shoutin' about, boy?" Bobby lightly scolded but the tear tracks that run down Dean's face sent him into an immediate state of panic. "Boy?" - "What's got your panties in a twist?" his voice cracked and he slowly stood up from his chair.

Dean was doubled over, he felt like he was being spun around at high speeds and punched in the chest. "S'mmy..." Dean panted before all but half collapsing onto the coffee table.

"Dean! Watch yourself would ya'?" - "You need to breathe, boy! Breathe!" Bobby shook Dean by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. The sight that met him broke his heart. The older Winchester was a quivering mess, crying the lot.

"_Crossroads_. Sammy. Go." Dean managed to spit out whilst rummaging for the keys to the Impala. He then sprinted out of the front door, not even looking back to see if Bobby was following.


End file.
